A Letter To Nobody In Particular

Aren't we all creatures of habit?

To A Curious Friend,

I write to you from my desk this Sunday as I take a break from my homework (exciting news, I’m sure). I’m reading about social-political philosophy. It’s a funny contrast--how I’m trying to understand the questions on the page, but the only one I can ask is “Why is this such a drag?” I just can’t focus on John Rawl or David Hume… I sometimes read like I’m hearing without listening. Does that make sense?

I’m not saying I’m worried, though. I know it takes time to adjust after the summer… it happens every year. In many ways, being efficient with my schoolwork is just another habit. When I take a break from it, it’s difficult to start again. And, once I get going, I think I’ll never want to stop. I’m not sure if that happens to you. Does it?

Speaking of habits, the only one I’ve ever broken is biting my nails. Have I told you that? It’s interesting… I mean, consider it. How many habits do you actually have? And, from that number, how many do you want to break?

Anyway, I think I came out of the womb biting my nails. No, really. I did it for as long as I can remember, and tried everything to stop. I painted my nails with putrid polish, searched for distractions, got weekly manicures… but nothing worked. I was constantly embarrassed and frustrated. I hated everything about biting my nails--the way others saw it as “gross” and “unfeminine,” how it created an impression before I even got the chance to, that all my efforts were futile…

I wish I could tell you what I did to stop, but I’ve come to realize that it isn’t about the first step. Yes, the beginning is tough, but forming a new habit is even harder. You see, I gave up biting my nails when I let go of the polishes and the feelings I attached to it. The trick was ignoring the externalities. The more I stressed about the consequences of biting my nails, the more nervous I became and, thus, the more I turned to my habit. Back to square one.

But, once I could frame stopping my nail biting differently- as a replacement habit- quitting was easy. All it took was intention, and I fell into my new routine gracefully. As soon as my nails began growing, I loved their strength and how I could decorate them. They make me feel elegant-- I never want to ruin them again.

Now that I think about it, everything in our lives (yours and mine and everyone else’s) revolves around habits. The more frequently I work out, read, cook, or learn, the more I care to continue. I fall in love when it’s a habit, and out when it’s not. I guess I love the same way I make my bed. If I think about the same questions, subjects, or people each day, I create customs that feel endless. And, in the end, I arrive at a goal or fascination with no idea how I got there.

Enough rambling. Tell me everything! How are you feeling? What are you learning? What’s important to you right now? I miss you and your thoughtful words. As always, I can’t wait to see you.

All my love,

Jenna

(To send my letter, of course)